Why I Actually Have No Problem With Starvation

If you know me, you know I had anxiety problems in 1996. I've had it under control since then, just a very low-grade attack maybe every once in a while, sometimes years apart, only in times of really high stress but nothing anywhere how bad it was that year. Back then I was having anxiety that eventually led up to an emergency room visit and resulting in therapy and medication (Xanax then Paxil and some Desyrel then later Ativan). The most significant symptom of those attacks was that my stomach would get upset and I would have no desire to eat. I've found that it's usually been the case that when I'm not feeling well I lose my appetite, whether it's an anxiety attack or a cold or flu or whatever. Back at the beginning of the anxiety attacks, which were linked to stress I had at work, I wouldn't be able to eat during the day (I worked the night-shift) but once I got to work and afterwards, I could eat just fine. But they started getting worse and worse and I ate less and less, even being unable at any time of the day or night, and I lost a lot of weight. I don't know exactly how much since I didn't weigh myself at the beginning or the end, but I know I got past the last notch on my belt and that's really thin. It probably gave me more anxiety knowing that my body was wasting away but I just couldn't bring myself to eat during most of those days; usually it was just water and maybe a bag of M&M's (not my favorite candy but for some reason it was the only thing that was even a little bit appetizing). My friend Kat, who I used to party with, would tell me "You look great!" and I was like, "But I'm gonna die." Eventually I stabilized and got better and I gained all the weight back very quickly, and probably more than I had lost. So it's always been my mantra that as long as I'm feeling okay, I don't care how much I weigh. I do admit that I was having some very low-grade attacks in the first few days of the cleanse, as my mind was associating my stomach being upset from not having anything in it as having an attack, so that became a catch-22 but I could identify it and knew that I wasn't freaking-out for real (despite that manic e-mail from Cousin Jason). So not eating is not a big deal for me. I can do it (though, of course, it's not my preference to do so if I don't have to).